Love is a Many Splendored Thing 

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As I reflected on what to share in the February blog, Love dominates the month. You have seen enough ads for candy, flowers, and diamonds! That’s not where I am.

I have been thinking of the lyrics from the song “Maria” that is part of the Sound of Music score. One of the lines is, “How do you solve a problem like Maria?”

I don’t want to pop anyone’s bubble about the delightful Sound of Music film or play, but we can’t solve another person! Which I think is the same as saying, “you can’t change anyone but yourself!” And we all know it is more fun to try to change someone else than look at our own flaws (if you have any flaws, that is).

So as a professionally trained relationship educator, I am going to do a quick mini-refresher on some significant points regarding healthy relationships. St. Valentine’s Day, for me, is a reminder of the profound and transformative power of Love. I’m talking Love across the board; friends, family, neighbors, churchmates, classmates, spouses, significant others, Dottie, the checker at the grocery store, Reggie at the Post Office…

Authentic Love Transforms… Heals… Forgives… Laughs… Energizes…
It does… it does… it does…

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I have two major principles from which I approach relationships:

First, if it isn’t healthy (emotionally) it isn’t holy!

Grace builds on nature. We can’t ignore our “issues” or “baggage.” God calls us; invites us to face our “stuff” and deal with it. The temptation is to keep praying and ignore the issues. I think we can pray for the strength to face our issues but we can’t pray them away. We can’t just sprinkle holy water on our selfishness, or pride, or need to control and it will vanish.

You can organize all the fish fries, be in charge of the Acolytes, run the social service program at your church or school, say three Rosaries a day, etc., but at the end of the day, we still have to look ourselves in the mirror, or as Ignatius Loyola would say, do the Examen; same thing. It is very common among us humans that we use “busyness” as a way of avoiding our “baggage.” Keeping busy is not all bad, but we all need to take some time to be quiet and listen – listen to the Spirit within us. What do we need to hold on to? What do we need to let go of? What is life-giving? What in my life is not life-giving; drains me, makes me anxious, fretful? 

What are some examples of “baggage” we’re lugging around? From the workshops and coaching I have done, I would say the following are some of the most common issues that we grapple with:

Anger
Still mad because your sister got more attention than you did? Let it go… let it go… let it go… let it go.                                                                                                                                                       

Woundedness 
From past relationships; familial or personal, at some point we have to acknowledge the pain and allow ourselves to be healed. The temptation is to hold on to the pain, the hurt; like Linus’s blanket. As long as we hold on to it, it protects us from the vulnerability of risking healing and wholeness.

Disappointment
Life has not unfolded the way we wanted. We get stuck on what we didn’t get instead of moving forward and celebrating what we did receive in life. No one can have it all – that’s a myth!

Fear
Depending on what our early life experiences were like; maybe we were afraid of being rejected, feared failure, not being good enough, afraid of taking risks; we get stuck in the “same old, same old.”

Not Free
Allowing another/others or ideas to exert power over you (run your life); not free to be who you are or who you want to be; lack of autonomy.

Secondly, the two bookends of any healthy relationship are Autonomy and Intimacy.

Autonomy
The freedom to be myself. In healthy relationships of any stripe, color, or mode, we need to be allowed to be ourselves rather than be the “someone” another person wants or needs us to be. We need to be open to the person God created us to be. That is not always as easy as it sounds.

Intimacy
We use the word Intimacy in its broader context. There are degrees of intimacy; perhaps you would use the terms, “personal,” “sense of belonging,” “sharing,” “connectedness.”

What we know about relationships is that the more autonomous you grow in a relationship – think of a long-time friendship – there are certain things that only the two or three of you can share. And over the years you are very comfortable with sharing who you are, and you know you are accepted by these long-time friends. Friendship deepens. There is an intimacy that is personal to you two or three.

The more we grow in Autonomy, the more we grow in Intimacy.
The more we grow in Intimacy, the more we grow in Autonomy.

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Which leads me to embracing the Mystery of the Trinity which is Love. For me, the essence of the Triune God is Relationship. One (intimate), yet distinct (autonomous). Which is why we need to be healthy in our relationships because each relationship is created to mirror the Triune God, to some degree. “See how they love one another” – a reflection of the Triune God.

It may take a lifetime to understand this; to see this in our daily lives, which is why it is so important to respect and cherish the healthy relationships that are a part of our lives. 

All healthy relationships are intended to be a revelation of God’s Love in our lives; some more revelatory than others, but each is a touchstone of God’s Love.  

When God tosses out Valentine candy, the hearts read:

Happy St. Valentine’s Day,

Bridget