The never-ending sibling rivalry
Just in time for Thanksgiving family gatherings!
Recently I read a novel that reminded me how prevalent sibling rivalry is. If it is any comfort, sibling rivalry has been around for most of human existence. It certainly appears in the Hebrew Scriptures and in the New Testament. There are numerous examples in the Hebrew Scriptures. The most glaring is the one of Joseph’s brothers (Genesis 37), and in the New Testament, The Prodigal Son (Luke 15) is classic!
In the novel, The Slow Road North, the daughter, a freelance journalist, snags a gig with NY Times Magazine. The son has a full-time job with a popular cable TV sports channel. But since the mom knows the name, “NY Times” and knows nothing about the popularity of cable TV sports channels, her comment is, “Look at your sister, working for the NY Times,” although the gig at the NY Times is very part time, with no benefits and no way to predict how long the gig will last. But for Mom, who needs her children to “make it big,” NY Times is more impressive! Sound familiar?
Sibling rivalry unfolds in a variety of shapes and forms.
Factors such as size of family, age differences, growing up in different locales, illness, shift in economics, job change of a parent; all of those factors can and do impact how parents relate to their children. If it is a large family, say, five or more, very often the oldest ends up expected to help quite a bit with their younger siblings. The oldest then, often has a closer relationship with her/his parents. In other families, parents, especially the mom may be very busy parenting, attending to the household, and/or working, and does not have time for her kids. When the older ones move on, she finds she has more time and more resources for the younger kids. My personal, non-professional opinion is that each child has a “different set of parents.”
“What we perceive is true, is true in its consequences.” In other words, if I perceive, correctly or incorrectly, that my parent or parents are favoring one of my siblings over me, I can be jealous, resentful, play the role of the victim. “Poor me, Mom likes Hazel more than me,” etc.
As children, I think the above response of being jealous, angry, spiteful is pretty normal at least in some ages/stages of development. It’s part of the “figuring out” who we are and where we fit in, or not.
As we grow up and mature, we need to step back and take another look at our growing up experience. Each family is chocked full with their “stuff.” “Stuff” does not necessarily mean negative. What may seem “weird” to one family may be perfectly normal for another. For example, growing up, our family always sat down at the table and ate together. No TV in the kitchen. Jerry and I did that as well with our kids. I notice our sons and their families do, too. Other families eat in front of the TV or computer, or everyone eats on their own. That works for them.
For those of you who may have experienced being the “less favored,” if you will, there can and often does develop antipathy and discord between and among siblings, which is unfortunate. As adults, it is important that we find time to “clear the air.” Whether our siblings agree with us or not, we need to be able to share how we “felt” growing up. Remember to use “I” statements. You are not accusing or judging, you are simply sharing what “I feel”… like Mom/Dad didn’t connect with me the way they connected with you,” “I felt left out because you were the star athlete and I didn’t like sports”… Often, our siblings are unaware of how we felt about our growing-up years.
Depending on the emotional maturity of the “favorite,” she/he can deflect the “favorite child” persona and endeavor to step out of the “star” role. Being the “favorite” isn’t necessarily an endearing perch for the favorite. Such a perch can isolate or distance her or him from their siblings. They can misjudge him or her.
Sometimes there are just differences in relationships depending on personalities. Each child bonds with his/her parent partly based on their persona and partly based on their parents’ personas in the context of their family life. Sometimes there is parent/child bonding over shared interests or talents, e.g. cooking, sewing, art, music, sports, camping.
In my family, my two oldest siblings were considerably older than I. My parents’ financial and employment situation was bleak when the two oldest were young. I was four when my oldest sister married; six when my second sister married. Next in line was my sister who was eight years older than I, and my brother, the only son, was four years older than I. By the time I was old enough to figure things out, the two oldest siblings were married, my father’s employment had stabilized, the third sibling was busy with being a teenager. So, at this juncture in our family life, it allowed my brother and I to garner more attention from our parents. Full disclosure: because my brother and I were together more than the three older siblings, and he was the “only son” in an Irish household, I resented that I had to spend each evening drying the dishes while he just sauntered on… Pathetic, I know, but I was a bratty ten-year-old! As adults, all of that faded and my brother and I became close friends. By then, I had gradually matured enough that I had my own life and he had his life, and we could laugh about it.
Occasionally, it happens that a parent just “doesn’t get their child.” It stretches the parent to understand their child who comes at life differently than they do. And if that parent is tired, exhausted, anxious about life in general, they do not have the emotional energy to attend to a child who costs them more energy. That’s unfortunate for the child with whom the parent does not connect. Another family dynamic is if one of the children requires special attention due to health issues or other limitations. You can grow up thinking you were overlooked because your sibling required so much of your parents’ time. These are real experiences. As adults, we need to look at them and see how to move on, realizing there were some gaps in our growing-up years. No growing-up story is perfect.
Our growing-up years can be years of fun, security, and confidence building, even if we weren’t the favorite, or if we were. But as adult siblings we are all equal. That may sound pollyannish, and perhaps it is. But I would encourage you, where you are able to, repair the rifts that cropped up during your growing years. I realize that is not always feasible, but sometimes it is.
As we move towards the holidays, I encourage each of us to take a look at our “family puzzle” and see if we can put the pieces together to create an emotionally adult, (not perfect) but adult composite of the family we call ours. Life is too short to be holding onto grudges, misunderstandings, or petty annoyances. I am sure it can be annoying if your younger sister (who was the favorite) still brings the same soggy coleslaw to every holiday meal, but there is always tomorrow, and you can make your own coleslaw! Let go and Move on!
Happy Thanksgiving,
Bridget
Book Suggestion
Mom Always Liked You Best: A Guide to Resolving Family Feuds, Inheritance Battles & Eldercare Crises by Arline Kardasis, Rikk Larsen, Crystal Thorpe, and Blair Trippe is a handbook, of sorts, for families needing direction with the above-mentioned topics in the title. The authors serve as consultants in working with family conflicts and decision-making.
The Annunciation Blog 